sugar cubes & candy canes.

today marks three weeks

2011-06-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

it feels so weird. I feel like we've been together so much longer than three weeks. probably because we were really close a little more than a year ago and we already know each other so well. we just needed time to get comfortable with the idea of actually being together.

my friend was so right about lowering expectations though. I'm so glad I did. it's so much better letting him surprise me over and over again. yeah sure he tries to play it off like he doesn't mean it or that he wasn't doing it on purpose or yada yada but just looking at him smile lets me know that he means it at least a little bit.

I feel myself being so patient for him it's weird. did I really change that much from last year? I'm so glad he and I both matured enough to handle a relationship with each other. I wonder if there will ever be a day that we'll be able to show each other off. right now, neither of us wants it public yet though. hmm, we'll see.

maybe it's 'cause I'm patient, or I'm really low-maintenance, but he keeps on surprising me. he's been starting pretty much every conversation we've had for the past few days. he's more tender with his goodnights (hell he wrote me a poem the other time to say goodnight. he said he only wrote the "good night, my love" part because it fit with the rhythm of the poem. oh psh.) he subtly calls me attractive or amazing, very very subtly, but I love that. I love that everything we need to say is exchanged in our sly smiles. Or in the way he quietly takes my hand or squeezes my arm or I could go on and on.

I've been so excited, gah. but I'm looking to a lonely summer. well this week has been amazing 'cause we've been Skyping all night but on sunday we both leave for camp... we'll have a few days together in July, but then I leave again. I'll miss him so much. but I'll be okay.

it feels so weird

2011-06-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

as the clock strikes midnight,

something in my heart changes.

it feels an excitement, but my mind subdues it.

it feels a giddiness, but my rationale suppresses it.

it feels a burst of hope, but my logic calms it.

but I am also secretly indulging in happiness.

I let go. I took a leap of faith. I took a chance.

and finally, for once... my imagination has not tricked me.

for once, my hopes came true.

ihaveafrickin'boyfriendwhatisthis

if i'm a guitar

2011-05-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

you're tugging at my strings.

but seriously. sometimes I think you don't give me definite answers because you know I hate not knowing what's coming next. why won't you just tell me if you want to go or not? you tell me to take chances, and I'm trying my hardest to, but if you won't come with me I CAN'T. I won't settle for doing this online. technology ruins romance, wongfu says so. I want to do this in person. I want to hold your hands, look you in the eyes, and tell you I want to be with you. at least give me a chance to say this...

I've spent all weekend deciding that I would tell you. I can't turn back now.

throw caution to the wind.

2011-05-28T07:09:00.001-07:00

ugh, so much for no attachment. you and your words... they always have to get me. but, this is what you told me last year and I kind of listened and that brought me to disaster... but what if I played it differently this time? is this our second chance?

we've been talking about relationships in pretty much every conversation we've had... they've been long conversations too. ones that last for hours. you keep on saying things like "loosen up", "take action", "you're too afraid of messing up", "stop being so cautious", etc. specifically about relationships too. you're encouraging me to go for who I want, but... what happens when the one I want is you? do you know that?

yesterday was one of the better days I've had. we spent two hours walking together alone in the reservation, the only other lives around us being the plants, insects, and small mammals. and we sat on that rock, pressed close together, and talked... about life, our future, love... then that night we went to a friend's house, and there we played around like we usually do, bickering, playfully hitting each other... we sat on the swings alone and you mentioned that it'd be a great photo opportunity for Dani. normally you're terrified of her taking pictures of us. then later we laid in the grass, with your head rested on my stomach, looking at the sky. two candles were lit beside us to get the bugs away. I had my arm wrapped around your head, hugging you gently to me. but that moment was cut short when your father came to pick you up. and you actually tried to get your parents to come later, but they had already left the house... it was a beautiful night.

then that night, we talked from 11 PM to 3:30 AM. of course it started as casual conversation, then it progressed to serious talk... and you again urged me to go for who I want. more forcefully this time. you dared me to actually try and be with someone in the next 6 months. I didn't know what I thought about that. then still later, you said, "I'll make a deal with you: if you try to get someone and throw caution to the wind so to speak, so will I." I asked who you would go for, you listed two names, and "a girl I'll call 'X' for now." who who who is this girl "X"? do you know that I still like you? it's probably obvious. but the fact that you keep pushing me to express my feelings towards this "him" and won't tell me who you want to be with... does that mean girl "X" might be me? or is this just a trick again?

I want to be with you. very badly. we have great chemistry, we've opened up to each other much more, and you make me so happy when I'm around you. but you also hurt me last year. and how do I know you'd actually be able to change for me? would you be able to love me wholeheartedly? you want to know what it's like to be in love, but I know you're also scared of it. should I delude myself into thinking that I can fix that? that I can show you how to love?

but then again, if I let this opportunity pass me by... it'll just be another missed chance that I'll regret later. I've had so many of those already. so should it matter if you like me or not? you've told me you think love is built and that you think you can like a person without liking them before... besides, it's about taking a leap of faith, right? and a leap of faith means taking a jump, even if you're not sure if there's something to soften your fall.

flip-flops are my favorite.

2011-05-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

I think it's worth it to come back to this.

erm... choices, choices, choices.

choice one. the perfect one. the caring, kind, compassionate one. the one who understands. the one who has been there for me. the one who's taken. the one whose relationship is on display right in front of my eyes, every single day. the one who can't be a secret anymore. the one who isn't by my side every day anymore. the one whose friendship with me will never be at the same dynamic. the one who I need a distraction from.

choice two. the one who hurt me. the one who manipulated, deceived, confused me. the one who held me close then pushed me away. the one who is usually cold, reserved. the one I eventually forced myself to forget about, using choice one as a distraction. (ironic, eh?)the one who I've forgiven. the one who I know has a kind heart, it's just hidden. the one who apologized sincerely, the one who confessed the real reason. the one who makes me laugh, makes me giddy inside, makes me feel amazing. the one who I can hold without shame, without broken promises, without strings.

at this point, I lean towards two. because if I can keep my emotions in control... then wouldn't a distraction be lovely? unfortunately he's not in my every day life so he can't fix everything... and I definitely cannot get emotionally attached to him again because that spells disaster. the more I think about it, the more I feel like a whore. but I'm not. I draw lines, and I'm not doing anything completely inappropriate. and I hate the condescending look people give me, "you know he doesn't like you right?" ugh of course I know that, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS! someone who won't like me, and someone who I can control my feelings for. 'cause honestly he's good for nothing but physical comfort and playful banter. he can't satisfy emotional needs so I think I can control it properly this time. I just... need no attachment for a while. no more silly thinking, no more hurt... just fun? can't I have that?

in like a lamb, out like a lion.

2011-04-09T13:56:00.001-07:00

the pain. ugh, my head keeps running back, back, back to october, november. back when I hadn't messed up. back when everything was under control. back when I didn't let my silly head run past the point of no return. back when I was still a good person, before I turned sickly.

rewind to october 9th. wasn't it beautiful? the honesty. the words. we weren't afraid to open up. we weren't afraid to speak the truth. we didn't have anything to edit anyway. none of it hurt. and then, the silent promise we exchanged. all captured in these words:

1: So what exactly should we do? Or should we just... not do anything?

2: Unlike human teenagers, let's not make more problems out of this

1: So do you mean, just... continue on with things as they were?

2: Basically

1: Thank you. Thank you for... being understanding and such. And if I ever do anything that seems uncomfortable, tell me?

2: I'm glad you're feeling better =) but there will always be a better way to tell you I'm feeling uncomfortable than doing anything near flat out saying it

that was beauty. then I enjoyed a few months of bliss. until the cold winds of winter blew in and we both started changing. I became more jealous, more angry. he became colder, less open, less receptive.

we went up and down, up and down for months. some days felt just the same, others were disastrous. until march came by and things started getting better and better. I never felt the same warmth of the summer and fall, but at least for now things weren't bad.

and then... and then april. I became impatient. I felt the winter monster roar from within my chest again. and one day, I lost control and let it burst. the more I talked, the more I pulled hidden feelings from months ago. not what I felt at the moment, really. but too late, the damage was done.

and now, I'm back to uncertainty. obsessed with looking back at when things were okay. when promises were still made. when I had no fear. when I knew that this friendship would last.

oh, but there's little hope now. I hide my tears, calm the monster, shift any frowns, and try my best to maintain composure. just waiting, hoping that patience will prevail. hoping that one day the promise from october would hold true. that I'd wake up one day, feeling like it was all a dream.

that's all I have left. hope.

but like another friend once said to me, hope can't be built upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

the times they are a-changin'

2010-08-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

THINK. DREAM. LOVE.

If you've ever noticed the words underneath my picture at the far left, I say that I am a thinker, dreamer, and a lover. I've really come to terms with that. The last half year has shaped me even more than I thought I could be shaped. I thought I had grown up a lot already, but the recent events have forced me to grow even more.

Most of the summer, I have been away. First for CTY camp for three weeks. I stayed home for two days, and I was off for China. I stayed one week with my grandparents in Beijing, joined a camp for two weeks, then stayed another two weeks in Beijing. And I've only been able to get back until today, and now there's only two weeks left of summer. Throughout this fast-paced summer, I've met two new groups of friends from CTY and the Chinese camp. Away from home and the ones I love, I was able to let loose and forget the hurtful memories for a while.

As I sit here this Wednesday afternoon, I feel like there's a lot of hurt around me. Each one of my closest friends have been through the fiercest of pains, myself included. Yet I still feel so little next to them. I don't understand why I weep for my hurt because it's so little compared to what I see around me. My own metaphorical family, drowned in pain that I could never empathize with. So much of the hurt around me, I can only sympathize with. Then everyone says I'm compassionate, but there's been so many times where I wish I could really feel what they feel. Now, back to the first three words of this post.

WHY AM I A THINKER?

I analyze everything. My actions, others' actions. I'm constantly trying to figure out what my mind is saying, and what others' minds are saying. And mostly I'm a thinker because I don't understand myself. I know what I do, and I know what I might do in certain situations, but a lot of the time - I don't understand why. I've unraveled a lot of the mysteries of myself during the past few months. But there's so much more of myself that I don't understand. That I wish I could control. I'm said to be a good model for everyone because I'm confident, secure, smart, and kind. And I tend to execute that role well. But there's parts of me that I hide that lacks confidence, is insecure, irrational & dumb, and selfish. They come out in my occasional breakdowns, yet I never let go of the better part of myself. There is a constant struggle with what I know I am, and what I also know I am. That might have been confusing, but I hope it can be understood. Most would say: what I think I am and what I know I am. But I know that I am confident, beautiful, smart, secure, kind. But I ALSO know that I'm insecure, irrational, dumb, ugly, selfish. And this is where I start thinking a lot. Every day I try to learn more about myself and why I do this.
I want to learn. Not just about academics - I don't have to hurt my brain much to put effort in that. But I don't want to just get through school and learn nothing about life. I don't care if hurt will distract me from my studies, it's something I must learn too. And plus, it hasn't distracted me. When I am focused on school, that is what I will focus on. The quality of my work has never decreased. But even more so than information, I want to learn about life. Emotions. My emotions. Others' emotions.
I can't stop myself from thinking. My brain is working nonstop. I always wonder how my brain can take it and hasn't shut down from fatigue by now. Every day it's constantly processing things that would make another person want to sleep for a day straight. I'm not saying I'm a genius or whatever and I'm processing high-intelligence information. Definitely not. I just think about tons of things at the same time, and am somehow able to process it all at once. But as a result, there's always something on my mind and I can zone out very easily.

WHY AM I A DREAMER?

I dream all day. About things that have happened, things that might happen, and things that will never come into reality. I don't care if half of it is irrational, I dream about it anyway. I have no real HOPES in the ones that are just dumb, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming. In reality, I'm not dumb, and I know where fantasy cuts off and reality begins.
Most of the time I feel like I'm living in a dream world. Like I said, I know where reality begins. But reality feels so unreal to me. It's different from the fantasy of dreams. Reality makes me feel detached, in a different way that dreams do. I can't explain this further because I don't know how to.
My mind is forever floating in memories because they keep me grounded. They remind me that I'm still here, and that all that has happened has indeed occurred. If I didn't dream all day, I wouldn't feel in touch with reality at all.

WHY AM I A LOVER?

Because if I can't be 100% confident in myself, I reserve a lot of my confidence to put in others. Amongst my four best friends in the world I have different confidences for each of them. But the own unifying thread is that I believe they will be happy. That I can make them happy, and that somehow, by being in their lives, I have made their lives brighter. I want to teach them about love in their own ways. For one person, I wasn't there when his heart needed me most because I couldn't give what he wanted - but I still want to give him the love that I can give and make him better for it. For another, she is so fragile and I hope I can be some sort of adhesive that will stick her together. For one more, I want him to learn that even if the rest of the world can't understand him or listen to him, I always be here for him. My heart is always open. And for the last, I want him to learn how to love and accept it. Because deep down, I know he can care. If there's anyone in this world that believes in him, I probably believe in him in the most. There are no words that can explain how much I sincerely wish he can be a loving person. Even if he says he doesn't need it, I want him to have it. I admire his strength and self-control and I wish I could detach myself from emotions like he can, but I also honestly hope that he can learn how to love like I do.
How do I love? I love by taking in all the hurt around me because I don't have enough hurt of my own. And even when my heart aches for my own reasons, I still can't stop absorbing all the hurt of everyone else. Because I want to. Because I want to feel the pain that I can't feel for myself. Maybe it's not the best way to love, but I want to love this way. In the platonic sense, I can love with all of my heart without question. "I love you" becomes so easy to say. But in the romantic sense, I am restrained. I can't control who I am attracted to, but I can control who I fall for. And even more so who I love. If I don't want to love someone, even if I like him so so much, I never will. There's a silent voice in me that always tells me to "wait, wait" because it's not the right time and won't be the right time for a long while. It may take half a lifetime for me to love again like I once did, but in the end it will be worth it. I may be overly cautious, but I don't shut myself from love. I am merely careful with it. It's not exactly because I'm afraid of hurt because I hurt myself constantly anyway. (It doesn't take real love for my heart to screw over).
Because I am a dreamer, I dream about love. I dream about a day that I will be able to love a man with my whole heart and say "I do" to him in a white dress. But because I am a thinker, I keep my heart safely guarded. I'm two-part emotion and one-part thought, so my analytical side feels obligated to fulfill its role more than it was built for. A lot of the time, I say I'm not built for love, but I realize that in my heart, love is what I was naturally made for. It is my need to fulfill a role of self-protection that keeps me from succumbing to my heart. If I didn't have that one-part thought, I'd be overwhelmed with all the hurt I take in and the love I give out. There's a wall that I've built up through the years to keep this delicate balance alive.

I think I've said enough today. I haven't been able to really self-analyze for a long time, so this felt really good.

Laissez-Faire

2010-05-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

LAISSEZ-FAIRE. Man, things have changed. It's been so long... The past few months have been the craziest few months of my life so far. Well, maybe not, but the quickest to change. I don't really want to get into it here. But I understand a lot more of my faults now. I need to learn to just let things happen. I can't force it. I'm too insecure with decision making, with trust. I've taken leaps and bounds forward that I never thought I would be able to make. That's why things have been happening so fast. Am I pushing it too much? I just don't want to lose opportunity when it presents itself. There is no perfect time. The time is now. His words. There is wisdom in those words. I have to seize opportunity, but not force opportunity. Let things happen as they come, but know when to step in. Laissez-faire.

750words!

2010-04-04T06:20:00.001-07:00

I'm not exactly sure what to write. I haven't blogged in so long... Well maybe I should introduce you guys to 750words.

750words is a website where they challenge you to write 750 words a day. Most people probably use it as a private blog/journal/diary, others use it as a place for creative writing, and others just use it as a place for their stream of consciousness to roam. I use it for a mix of all three. Most of the time I discuss controversial topics, usually revolving around the different interpretations of a word's meaning. For instance, "Does everyone experience freedom?" or "What is an illusion?" Other times, I vent about things that have happened and use it as a self-healing process. And occasionally, I also use it for creative writing purposes.

What's great about this site is, it sends all of your writing to a text assessment engine, and shows you an analysis on your writing visually. For instance, how fast you were typing at what point (showing you when your writing was at its peak). Or, what I find the most fascinating, determining your mood and what you are mostly concerned about (this can be incorrect sometimes, but it's still interesting). It shows you your mindset, your primary sense, your time orientation (focused on past, present, or future), your perspective (if you use I, us, you, or them the most), and so much more.

There is a point system that's fairly complicated, so I won't explain it. I don't really use it, but if you're someone that likes getting the points and the little badges, go for it.

If you've been looking for a private place to just write about whatever, a place no one can see, I suggest you try it out. It's a ton of fun. =)

VALENTINE'S DAY?

2010-02-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

I WAKE UP WITH RANDOM BRUISES ON MY MIND. okay so, valentine's day passed a while ago... a lot of people have probably been posting stuff about this holiday, I guess I'm just with everyone else on this one. I don't have much to say about my valentine's day. nothing I really want publically on the web anyway. it wasn't exactly uneventful, but I think the days following were much larger. plus, the whole few days don't mean much anyway, at least I hope. I fear someone will come across this and realize what I'm talking about. I like to keep these things closer to me. it's easier that way, to understand it, to overcome it, to keep it my little guilty pleasure. if too many people know, I'm questioned too much about it, and I become the center of a rumor-wheel that I've become a little too familiar with before. never got the worst of it, but I avoid it like the plague.

maybe that's why I'm a little uncertain about my supposed valentine, as dubbed by my friends, from weeks before. that's all I can say. even in my private folders of google docs, I can't even bring myself to type it out. my mind has become numb to this area. this fantasy world of romance. so all I can say is that I am bruised.

bruised numb.

MY INTERNAL WAR.

2010-01-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

I ALWAYS SMILE. I love to smile. I smile to give myself that temporary natural high, the lovely feeling of forgetting all things horrible in the world. but even smiles turn to frowns sometimes.

like right now.

this blog is supposed to be sugary. happy. but nevertheless, it must be tainted with sadness - because that's who I am, a beaming ray of sunshine that likes to bring joy, but still falls vulnerable to the eclipses. a ticking time bomb that never explodes. how paradoxical.

I cannot fathom what would bring the deep resentment for this one person in my heart right now. it burns with a passion. I can't even stop to feel sorry for him. because for once, I feel like he deserves it. I am finally taking control, after months of abuse and harassment - where each time I, the victim, feel sorry for HIM, the bully, and in turn forgive his fake apologies and pledges to change. And now, as I continue to ignore him, giving the cold shoulder to his pleading looks and attempts to wave hello, I still feel cruel. I feel like an ugly monster, one who should be locked up behind bars for being so wicked. others cannot understand this internal war that rages within me, they beg me to forgive him, to take a look at him and see through his eyes. what I need is for people to see through mine. see the pain I cause myself to just turn around when he walks my way - I am impulsed to wave back and say hi, even as a tiny gesture of reconciliation, but no, I cannot. without a flinch, I turn away.

I can still feel the slaps he used to impose on me, the twisting of limbs as I wrestle him to the ground - just to get a fucking pencil case back. the death glare that flashes before my eyes when he pinches me, smacks me, whips me. when his assaults continue even when I yell for him to stop, when the librarian shoots us a warning glare, even when I strike back. my frustration fuels him. my ignorance fuels him. the only way to escape is to rip myself away altogether.

this all seems so poetic and exaggerated - but that's what I feel once I go home and think about it. I feel the pain from his blows, and still feel the need to forgive him. not because I'm trying to "be a good friend", but just because my innate structure of morals and mercy begs me to forgive him. but with every accepted apology comes another lost battle. like a war between two siblings, the younger one cute to outsiders, but so sinister on the inside - always feigning innocence. as a person who already knows the ways of being an older sibling, I cannot look at him as a person of my own age, but as an annoying younger brother - but without the familial love that would make him tolerable.

I've given him information about myself I completely regret giving. I don't know what I was thinking. all I can vaguely remember is, "he's innocent, and 'young', he wouldn't manipulate me with this. it's okay." this blindness led to many disasters. I ended up telling him secrets I would never in my right mind tell even some of my better friends - friends who I enjoy my time with much more. why did I? I have no fucking clue. and yet I did. and lo and behold, he ended up abusing the information. tracking down the people I spoke of and making them uncomfortable by referring to these past events only few people knew about. and also manipulating me, informing me that he would release this information, tell a specific subject, and it wasn't until the very last minute did he call off the threat. this endless manipulation can only result in resent for him - but every time I fall into the trap of giving him more information, blindly trusting his every apology.

well, no more. though it goes against popular opinion, and the urging advice of my friends, I will only let this situation be. not attempt to heal it, not attempt to destroy it. if somehow we go back to speaking terms, then so be it. but I can never let him back as far into my life as I did before. it will only result in my heart in more ruins.

MIXED UP MISSIONS

2010-01-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

MIXED UP MISSIONS is what I'm exploring today. in your teenage years, your emotions start going through these vicious cycles of anxiety, depression, happiness, laughter, all floating in a sea of confusion. everyone's cycle is a little different, depending on what it's focused on - and your own emotional battlegrounds within yourself. seeing as I have a pretty normal and happy life, my heart tends to look for the insignificant things and tries to blow it out of proportion. most of the time, my mind steers clear of the impending disasters, but sometimes, it gives in. and that's when the cycle starts.

first - the massive confusion, the head swimming & finding itself drowning, the growling & scowling at others, the "of course he doesn't like or even likes me as a friend what are you talking about, butdoesn'thedoesn'the? hedoeshedoes, no he doesn't", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

second - a strange calmness - or calmer I should say, the milder confusion, the tiny pangs in the mind, the pupils darting back and forth, the scrutinizing of every detail, the "i-i'm pretty sure he likes me as a friend at least, i know it, he smiles and laughs and teases, pleasepleaseplease let him be my friend", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

third - the smiles coming back, the incredible natural high - for no reason whatsoever, the jumping&dancing&prancing, the glee, the "i don't even care if anyone knows i like him, or even if he likes me or not, and i don't even like him thatmuch, i just lovethewayweare", the feeling of perfection.

fourth - the eyebrows start furrowing, the fingers twitching, the legs bouncing, the uncontrollable need to stare and stare and stare, straight at his hairneckfacehands - anything, the biting of the lips, the weird pattersn of walking (is he catching up? why can't he hurry? oh well... or oh god oh god he's right over there i need to hurryhurryhurry, START MOVING FASTER!), the intense alertness to everything, the "he just smiled at me, his hair is so perfect, he just randomly asked me a question, he mustlikemeright?, OH STOP IT LAUREL YOU'RE BEING SUCH A KID - I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE, i don't but sometimes ireallyreallydo", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

fifth - the guilt, the regret, the burying of face in hands, the need to cry out, the nostalgia, the hanging on to every little memory (his hairneckfacehandsvoiceSMILE), the nervous want to SEEHIMSEEHIMSEEHIM and TALKTOHIMTALKTOHIMTALKTOHIM (and if i don't - something in me freaks out), the annoyance and irritation (wtf makes him so special?), the "ugh why why why he's not even that great, oh but goshireallyreallylikehim", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

then it's right back to the beginning.

(the worst part is - no one can see it. sometimes not even me. it's all hidden beneath mature mandates of "you will not fall into that trap of teenage puppy love. you will be strong and realistic." and the thing is, for the most part, I AM mature about it. I DON'T fall into that trap. but what has just been described is that tiny tiny tiny part of my mind that goes out of control. my mind is developed beyond my years, and it suppresses my heart, but sometimes, my heart wants to STAND UP and make me feel topsy turvy emotions. it wants to LET ITSELF BE HEARD. most of this cycle can be ignored as I carry through the day. most of myself is a cooled down version of step three - happiness. but still, in the back of my vicious little mind, the locked up child screams sometimes and gives my older self a headache.)

INSOMNIA & TOOTHACHES

2010-01-10T09:03:00.000-08:00

INSOMNIA & TOOTHACHES is what I'm dealing with today. well, the first half was from yesterday, and the second carries into today. weekends always seem to be my downfall - why? shouldn't it be the happiest time of the week? no work, relaxation, talking to friends... yet the weekend drains all those wonderful things from me. it leaves me room to procrastinate, and I end up working on everything the few hours before I can go to sleep on a "lovely" sunday night. leaves me time to sleep horribly late and start drowning in my thoughts. more time to surf around the internet, becoming bored bored bored, even though the back of my mind keeps telling me "you have work to do!" and maybe it's just the loneliness I can't deal with - the quiet of the house, the rumble of the washing machine, the whirring of the computers. yet I can't say I don't like weekends. though I sometimes despise it, the silence is interesting sometimes... I like to drift in my thoughts, even if they can get painful. at least I know the end is in sight.

but once the week starts, I want it to end so quickly. suddenly I'm plunged back into waking up at six am and being piled with work. but maybe I'm just a little screwed up in the head. I enjoy the weekdays more than the weekends - and even more strangely, the mondays and tuesdays more than the thursdays and fridays (except thursday, because that's writing club day). is my head in some kind of reverse schedule that actually likes work? no, I don't think so. more like a messed up way to deal with the pains of loneliness.

I had a toothache starting last night, and it still hurts today. I hope it's not a cavity. I haven't had one ever in my life, and I don't want a first. I took some tylenol, hopefully it can help. remarkably, this toothache started right after my mind started swirling with random, worrisome ideas - a state of wild confusion where nothing makes sense and not even the reason can be pinpointed.

but I guess that's just the way my mind works. teasing me with trails of happiness and laughter, then crashing down on me in the worst times possible. but I trust my heart - it'll heal quickly enough, probably in just a day or two. and then I'll be smiling and laughing all over again, even if a tiny whisper still murmurs from the depths of my mind, reminding me of the sadness soon to come. like I said before, don't frown about the mud puddle you've stepped in, when there's a sun shining overhead. I'm in a mud puddle right now, but I can quickly get out.

PRESENTS OF HAPPINESS!

2010-01-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

have you ever noticed that people smile more in november & december, or in the summer months, than in other times of the year? granted, most of us don't really have "happy patterns" right? I think I might. I'm not a "down and out" person, really, so I'm generally pretty happy all the time. but I notice myself becoming a little more pumped up than usual in novembers and decembers, especially november. maybe it's the fact that I'm excited to be writing a novel - I always challenge myself with writing a novel in the month of november (no more or less than those thirty days). or maybe it's just the holidays that's exciting for me. but then again, I've never been a vacation type of person. I like to be kept busy - but not too busy to be overwhelmed. I frown upon long plane flights and boring hotel lobbies, lengthy car rides and limited internet access. but I guess there's some kind of feeling in the air that makes those last two months of every year more enjoyable.

happiness is a wonderful thing, isn't it? sure we always have our ups and downs, and sometimes the end of that rollercoaster downhill drop seems nowhere in sight. and maybe it's just me, but I feel like over the past few years, I've learned to handle those downs and always keep my nose pointed up. don't frown about the mud puddle you've stepped in, when there's a sun shining overhead. sometimes we just need to lift our heads a little higher and see all the beauty surrounding us. one of my favorite phrases is: "being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections." I try to live by this statement every day. when I see a crack in the sidewalk, I think of the fact that I have a sidewalk to walk on in the first place.

nothing is ever going to be perfect. and sometimes, life can seem pretty dreadful. this blog post isn't coming from someone that's always had a joyful life. on the outside, I seem like the lucky lottery-winner, the multi-talented one with no problems, ever. the one who's always smiling, joking, laughing, the one who gets good grades effortlessly. all in all - I seem like I have the perfect life. and right now, I feel like I do too. but it hasn't always been that way - and there are things that are happening now, that I hide from people too. it's too depressing to talk about, so why bother? but those events of the past, they are what they're called - the past, and should remain so. another quote I've discovered: "instead of looking to the past to find all the faults of your life now and looking to the future for everything that will never be, look to the past for all the fantastic times you had and the future for all the good times ahead, however sparse, few, and in-between over the years. and be thankful for the present and how it is." (paraphrased a little)

heck, I look to the past all the time. but nine times out of ten, it's to savor memories that don't deserve to be forgotten. sometimes a hint of nostalgia accompanies those thoughts, but the general feeling is joy - because I'm lucky to have been granted those moments. I daydream into the future, for possibilities and hopeful dreams, but also just for wishes of happiness. and I look at the present far more than the other two, for that's what really matters. if your head's all tangled up in the rainbow you saw behind you, or the cliff you predict will be ahead - will you be able to notice the lovely flowers and scurrying animals? and most importantly, the friend your arms are linked with - the ones that are walking with you? so cherish the present, for that's what it is, a gift. stop wasting your time - rip open that package and discover what the present holds for you.