but seriously. sometimes I think you don't give me definite answers because you know I hate not knowing what's coming next. why won't you just tell me if you want to go or not? you tell me to take chances, and I'm trying my hardest to, but if you won't come with me I CAN'T. I won't settle for doing this online. technology ruins romance, wongfu says so. I want to do this in person. I want to hold your hands, look you in the eyes, and tell you I want to be with you. at least give me a chance to say this...

I've spent all weekend deciding that I would tell you. I can't turn back now.

we've been talking about relationships in pretty much every conversation we've had... they've been long conversations too. ones that last for hours. you keep on saying things like "loosen up", "take action", "you're too afraid of messing up", "stop being so cautious", etc. specifically about relationships too. you're encouraging me to go for who I want, but... what happens when the one I want is you? do you know that?

yesterday was one of the better days I've had. we spent two hours walking together alone in the reservation, the only other lives around us being the plants, insects, and small mammals. and we sat on that rock, pressed close together, and talked... about life, our future, love... then that night we went to a friend's house, and there we played around like we usually do, bickering, playfully hitting each other... we sat on the swings alone and you mentioned that it'd be a great photo opportunity for Dani. normally you're terrified of her taking pictures of us. then later we laid in the grass, with your head rested on my stomach, looking at the sky. two candles were lit beside us to get the bugs away. I had my arm wrapped around your head, hugging you gently to me. but that moment was cut short when your father came to pick you up. and you actually tried to get your parents to come later, but they had already left the house... it was a beautiful night.

then that night, we talked from 11 PM to 3:30 AM. of course it started as casual conversation, then it progressed to serious talk... and you again urged me to go for who I want. more forcefully this time. you dared me to actually try and be with someone in the next 6 months. I didn't know what I thought about that. then still later, you said, "I'll make a deal with you: if you try to get someone and throw caution to the wind so to speak, so will I." I asked who you would go for, you listed two names, and "a girl I'll call 'X' for now." who who who is this girl "X"? do you know that I still like you? it's probably obvious. but the fact that you keep pushing me to express my feelings towards this "him" and won't tell me who you want to be with... does that mean girl "X" might be me? or is this just a trick again?

I want to be with you. very badly. we have great chemistry, we've opened up to each other much more, and you make me so happy when I'm around you. but you also hurt me last year. and how do I know you'd actually be able to change for me? would you be able to love me wholeheartedly? you want to know what it's like to be in love, but I know you're also scared of it. should I delude myself into thinking that I can fix that? that I can show you how to love?

but then again, if I let this opportunity pass me by... it'll just be another missed chance that I'll regret later. I've had so many of those already. so should it matter if you like me or not? you've told me you think love is built and that you think you can like a person without liking them before... besides, it's about taking a leap of faith, right? and a leap of faith means taking a jump, even if you're not sure if there's something to soften your fall.

erm... choices, choices, choices.

choice one. the perfect one. the caring, kind, compassionate one. the one who understands. the one who has been there for me. the one who's taken. the one whose relationship is on display right in front of my eyes, every single day. the one who can't be a secret anymore. the one who isn't by my side every day anymore. the one whose friendship with me will never be at the same dynamic. the one who I need a distraction from.

choice two. the one who hurt me. the one who manipulated, deceived, confused me. the one who held me close then pushed me away. the one who is usually cold, reserved. the one I eventually forced myself to forget about, using choice one as a distraction. (ironic, eh?)the one who I've forgiven. the one who I know has a kind heart, it's just hidden. the one who apologized sincerely, the one who confessed the real reason. the one who makes me laugh, makes me giddy inside, makes me feel amazing. the one who I can hold without shame, without broken promises, without strings.

at this point, I lean towards two. because if I can keep my emotions in control... then wouldn't a distraction be lovely? unfortunately he's not in my every day life so he can't fix everything... and I definitely cannot get emotionally attached to him again because that spells disaster. the more I think about it, the more I feel like a whore. but I'm not. I draw lines, and I'm not doing anything completely inappropriate. and I hate the condescending look people give me, "you know he doesn't like you right?" ugh of course I know that, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS! someone who won't like me, and someone who I can control my feelings for. 'cause honestly he's good for nothing but physical comfort and playful banter. he can't satisfy emotional needs so I think I can control it properly this time. I just... need no attachment for a while. no more silly thinking, no more hurt... just fun? can't I have that?