title: in like a lamb, out like a lion. the pain. ugh, my head keeps running back, back, back to october, november. back when I hadn't messed up. back when everything was under control. back when I didn't let my silly head run past the point of no return. back when I was still a good person, before I turned sickly.
rewind to october 9th. wasn't it beautiful? the honesty. the words. we weren't afraid to open up. we weren't afraid to speak the truth. we didn't have anything to edit anyway. none of it hurt. and then, the silent promise we exchanged. all captured in these words: 1: So what exactly should we do? Or should we just... not do anything? 2: Unlike human teenagers, let's not make more problems out of this 1: So do you mean, just... continue on with things as they were? 2: Basically 1: Thank you. Thank you for... being understanding and such. And if I ever do anything that seems uncomfortable, tell me? 2: I'm glad you're feeling better =) but there will always be a better way to tell you I'm feeling uncomfortable than doing anything near flat out saying it that was beauty. then I enjoyed a few months of bliss. until the cold winds of winter blew in and we both started changing. I became more jealous, more angry. he became colder, less open, less receptive. we went up and down, up and down for months. some days felt just the same, others were disastrous. until march came by and things started getting better and better. I never felt the same warmth of the summer and fall, but at least for now things weren't bad. and then... and then april. I became impatient. I felt the winter monster roar from within my chest again. and one day, I lost control and let it burst. the more I talked, the more I pulled hidden feelings from months ago. not what I felt at the moment, really. but too late, the damage was done. and now, I'm back to uncertainty. obsessed with looking back at when things were okay. when promises were still made. when I had no fear. when I knew that this friendship would last. oh, but there's little hope now. I hide my tears, calm the monster, shift any frowns, and try my best to maintain composure. just waiting, hoping that patience will prevail. hoping that one day the promise from october would hold true. that I'd wake up one day, feeling like it was all a dream. that's all I have left. hope. but like another friend once said to me, hope can't be built upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand. |
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