THINK. DREAM. LOVE.

If you've ever noticed the words underneath my picture at the far left, I say that I am a thinker, dreamer, and a lover. I've really come to terms with that. The last half year has shaped me even more than I thought I could be shaped. I thought I had grown up a lot already, but the recent events have forced me to grow even more.

Most of the summer, I have been away. First for CTY camp for three weeks. I stayed home for two days, and I was off for China. I stayed one week with my grandparents in Beijing, joined a camp for two weeks, then stayed another two weeks in Beijing. And I've only been able to get back until today, and now there's only two weeks left of summer. Throughout this fast-paced summer, I've met two new groups of friends from CTY and the Chinese camp. Away from home and the ones I love, I was able to let loose and forget the hurtful memories for a while.

As I sit here this Wednesday afternoon, I feel like there's a lot of hurt around me. Each one of my closest friends have been through the fiercest of pains, myself included. Yet I still feel so little next to them. I don't understand why I weep for my hurt because it's so little compared to what I see around me. My own metaphorical family, drowned in pain that I could never empathize with. So much of the hurt around me, I can only sympathize with. Then everyone says I'm compassionate, but there's been so many times where I wish I could really feel what they feel. Now, back to the first three words of this post.

WHY AM I A THINKER?

• I analyze everything. My actions, others' actions. I'm constantly trying to figure out what my mind is saying, and what others' minds are saying. And mostly I'm a thinker because I don't understand myself. I know what I do, and I know what I might do in certain situations, but a lot of the time - I don't understand why. I've unraveled a lot of the mysteries of myself during the past few months. But there's so much more of myself that I don't understand. That I wish I could control. I'm said to be a good model for everyone because I'm confident, secure, smart, and kind. And I tend to execute that role well. But there's parts of me that I hide that lacks confidence, is insecure, irrational & dumb, and selfish. They come out in my occasional breakdowns, yet I never let go of the better part of myself. There is a constant struggle with what I know I am, and what I also know I am. That might have been confusing, but I hope it can be understood. Most would say: what I think I am and what I know I am. But I know that I am confident, beautiful, smart, secure, kind. But I ALSO know that I'm insecure, irrational, dumb, ugly, selfish. And this is where I start thinking a lot. Every day I try to learn more about myself and why I do this.
  
• I want to learn. Not just about academics - I don't have to hurt my brain much to put effort in that. But I don't want to just get through school and learn nothing about life. I don't care if hurt will distract me from my studies, it's something I must learn too. And plus, it hasn't distracted me. When I am focused on school, that is what I will focus on. The quality of my work has never decreased. But even more so than information, I want to learn about life. Emotions. My emotions. Others' emotions.
  
• I can't stop myself from thinking. My brain is working nonstop. I always wonder how my brain can take it and hasn't shut down from fatigue by now. Every day it's constantly processing things that would make another person want to sleep for a day straight. I'm not saying I'm a genius or whatever and I'm processing high-intelligence information. Definitely not. I just think about tons of things at the same time, and am somehow able to process it all at once. But as a result, there's always something on my mind and I can zone out very easily.

WHY AM I A DREAMER?

• I dream all day. About things that have happened, things that might happen, and things that will never come into reality. I don't care if half of it is irrational, I dream about it anyway. I have no real HOPES in the ones that are just dumb, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming. In reality, I'm not dumb, and I know where fantasy cuts off and reality begins.
• Most of the time I feel like I'm living in a dream world. Like I said, I know where reality begins. But reality feels so unreal to me. It's different from the fantasy of dreams. Reality makes me feel detached, in a different way that dreams do. I can't explain this further because I don't know how to.
• My mind is forever floating in memories because they keep me grounded. They remind me that I'm still here, and that all that has happened has indeed occurred. If I didn't dream all day, I wouldn't feel in touch with reality at all.

WHY AM I A LOVER?

• Because if I can't be 100% confident in myself, I reserve a lot of my confidence to put in others. Amongst my four best friends in the world I have different confidences for each of them. But the own unifying thread is that I believe they will be happy. That I can make them happy, and that somehow, by being in their lives, I have made their lives brighter. I want to teach them about love in their own ways. For one person, I wasn't there when his heart needed me most because I couldn't give what he wanted - but I still want to give him the love that I can give and make him better for it. For another, she is so fragile and I hope I can be some sort of adhesive that will stick her together. For one more, I want him to learn that even if the rest of the world can't understand him or listen to him, I always be here for him. My heart is always open. And for the last, I want him to learn how to love and accept it. Because deep down, I know he can care. If there's anyone in this world that believes in him, I probably believe in him in the most. There are no words that can explain how much I sincerely wish he can be a loving person. Even if he says he doesn't need it, I want him to have it. I admire his strength and self-control and I wish I could detach myself from emotions like he can, but I also honestly hope that he can learn how to love like I do.
  
• How do I love? I love by taking in all the hurt around me because I don't have enough hurt of my own. And even when my heart aches for my own reasons, I still can't stop absorbing all the hurt of everyone else. Because I want to. Because I want to feel the pain that I can't feel for myself. Maybe it's not the best way to love, but I want to love this way. In the platonic sense, I can love with all of my heart without question. "I love you" becomes so easy to say. But in the romantic sense, I am restrained. I can't control who I am attracted to, but I can control who I fall for. And even more so who I love. If I don't want to love someone, even if I like him so so much, I never will. There's a silent voice in me that always tells me to "wait, wait" because it's not the right time and won't be the right time for a long while. It may take half a lifetime for me to love again like I once did, but in the end it will be worth it. I may be overly cautious, but I don't shut myself from love. I am merely careful with it. It's not exactly because I'm afraid of hurt because I hurt myself constantly anyway. (It doesn't take real love for my heart to screw over).
  
• Because I am a dreamer, I dream about love. I dream about a day that I will be able to love a man with my whole heart and say "I do" to him in a white dress. But because I am a thinker, I keep my heart safely guarded. I'm two-part emotion and one-part thought, so my analytical side feels obligated to fulfill its role more than it was built for. A lot of the time, I say I'm not built for love, but I realize that in my heart, love is what I was naturally made for. It is my need to fulfill a role of self-protection that keeps me from succumbing to my heart. If I didn't have that one-part thought, I'd be overwhelmed with all the hurt I take in and the love I give out. There's a wall that I've built up through the years to keep this delicate balance alive.

I think I've said enough today. I haven't been able to really self-analyze for a long time, so this felt really good.

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