like right now.

this blog is supposed to be sugary. happy. but nevertheless, it must be tainted with sadness - because that's who I am, a beaming ray of sunshine that likes to bring joy, but still falls vulnerable to the eclipses. a ticking time bomb that never explodes. how paradoxical.

I cannot fathom what would bring the deep resentment for this one person in my heart right now. it burns with a passion. I can't even stop to feel sorry for him. because for once, I feel like he deserves it. I am finally taking control, after months of abuse and harassment - where each time I, the victim, feel sorry for HIM, the bully, and in turn forgive his fake apologies and pledges to change. And now, as I continue to ignore him, giving the cold shoulder to his pleading looks and attempts to wave hello, I still feel cruel. I feel like an ugly monster, one who should be locked up behind bars for being so wicked. others cannot understand this internal war that rages within me, they beg me to forgive him, to take a look at him and see through his eyes. what I need is for people to see through mine. see the pain I cause myself to just turn around when he walks my way - I am impulsed to wave back and say hi, even as a tiny gesture of reconciliation, but no, I cannot. without a flinch, I turn away.

I can still feel the slaps he used to impose on me, the twisting of limbs as I wrestle him to the ground - just to get a fucking pencil case back. the death glare that flashes before my eyes when he pinches me, smacks me, whips me. when his assaults continue even when I yell for him to stop, when the librarian shoots us a warning glare, even when I strike back. my frustration fuels him. my ignorance fuels him. the only way to escape is to rip myself away altogether.

this all seems so poetic and exaggerated - but that's what I feel once I go home and think about it. I feel the pain from his blows, and still feel the need to forgive him. not because I'm trying to "be a good friend", but just because my innate structure of morals and mercy begs me to forgive him. but with every accepted apology comes another lost battle. like a war between two siblings, the younger one cute to outsiders, but so sinister on the inside - always feigning innocence. as a person who already knows the ways of being an older sibling, I cannot look at him as a person of my own age, but as an annoying younger brother - but without the familial love that would make him tolerable.

I've given him information about myself I completely regret giving. I don't know what I was thinking. all I can vaguely remember is, "he's innocent, and 'young', he wouldn't manipulate me with this. it's okay." this blindness led to many disasters. I ended up telling him secrets I would never in my right mind tell even some of my better friends - friends who I enjoy my time with much more. why did I? I have no fucking clue. and yet I did. and lo and behold, he ended up abusing the information. tracking down the people I spoke of and making them uncomfortable by referring to these past events only few people knew about. and also manipulating me, informing me that he would release this information, tell a specific subject, and it wasn't until the very last minute did he call off the threat. this endless manipulation can only result in resent for him - but every time I fall into the trap of giving him more information, blindly trusting his every apology.

well, no more. though it goes against popular opinion, and the urging advice of my friends, I will only let this situation be. not attempt to heal it, not attempt to destroy it. if somehow we go back to speaking terms, then so be it. but I can never let him back as far into my life as I did before. it will only result in my heart in more ruins.

first - the massive confusion, the head swimming & finding itself drowning, the growling & scowling at others, the "of course he doesn't like or even likes me as a friend what are you talking about, butdoesn'thedoesn'the? hedoeshedoes, no he doesn't", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

second - a strange calmness - or calmer I should say, the milder confusion, the tiny pangs in the mind, the pupils darting back and forth, the scrutinizing of every detail, the "i-i'm pretty sure he likes me as a friend at least, i know it, he smiles and laughs and teases, pleasepleaseplease let him be my friend", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

third - the smiles coming back, the incredible natural high - for no reason whatsoever, the jumping&dancing&prancing, the glee, the "i don't even care if anyone knows i like him, or even if he likes me or not, and i don't even like him thatmuch, i just lovethewayweare", the feeling of perfection.

fourth - the eyebrows start furrowing, the fingers twitching, the legs bouncing, the uncontrollable need to stare and stare and stare, straight at his hairneckfacehands - anything, the biting of the lips, the weird pattersn of walking (is he catching up? why can't he hurry? oh well... or oh god oh god he's right over there i need to hurryhurryhurry, START MOVING FASTER!), the intense alertness to everything, the "he just smiled at me, his hair is so perfect, he just randomly asked me a question, he mustlikemeright?, OH STOP IT LAUREL YOU'RE BEING SUCH A KID - I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE, i don't but sometimes ireallyreallydo", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

fifth - the guilt, the regret, the burying of face in hands, the need to cry out, the nostalgia, the hanging on to every little memory (his hairneckfacehandsvoiceSMILE), the nervous want to SEEHIMSEEHIMSEEHIM and TALKTOHIMTALKTOHIMTALKTOHIM (and if i don't - something in me freaks out), the annoyance and irritation (wtf makes him so special?), the "ugh why why why he's not even that great, oh but goshireallyreallylikehim", the mixed-up&messed-up mission to find myself again.

(the worst part is - no one can see it. sometimes not even me. it's all hidden beneath mature mandates of "you will not fall into that trap of teenage puppy love. you will be strong and realistic." and the thing is, for the most part, I AM mature about it. I DON'T fall into that trap. but what has just been described is that tiny tiny tiny part of my mind that goes out of control. my mind is developed beyond my years, and it suppresses my heart, but sometimes, my heart wants to STAND UP and make me feel topsy turvy emotions. it wants to LET ITSELF BE HEARD. most of this cycle can be ignored as I carry through the day. most of myself is a cooled down version of step three - happiness. but still, in the back of my vicious little mind, the locked up child screams sometimes and gives my older self a headache.)

but once the week starts, I want it to end so quickly. suddenly I'm plunged back into waking up at six am and being piled with work. but maybe I'm just a little screwed up in the head. I enjoy the weekdays more than the weekends - and even more strangely, the mondays and tuesdays more than the thursdays and fridays (except thursday, because that's writing club day). is my head in some kind of reverse schedule that actually likes work? no, I don't think so. more like a messed up way to deal with the pains of loneliness.

I had a toothache starting last night, and it still hurts today. I hope it's not a cavity. I haven't had one ever in my life, and I don't want a first. I took some tylenol, hopefully it can help. remarkably, this toothache started right after my mind started swirling with random, worrisome ideas - a state of wild confusion where nothing makes sense and not even the reason can be pinpointed.

but I guess that's just the way my mind works. teasing me with trails of happiness and laughter, then crashing down on me in the worst times possible. but I trust my heart - it'll heal quickly enough, probably in just a day or two. and then I'll be smiling and laughing all over again, even if a tiny whisper still murmurs from the depths of my mind, reminding me of the sadness soon to come. like I said before, don't frown about the mud puddle you've stepped in, when there's a sun shining overhead. I'm in a mud puddle right now, but I can quickly get out.

happiness is a wonderful thing, isn't it? sure we always have our ups and downs, and sometimes the end of that rollercoaster downhill drop seems nowhere in sight. and maybe it's just me, but I feel like over the past few years, I've learned to handle those downs and always keep my nose pointed up. don't frown about the mud puddle you've stepped in, when there's a sun shining overhead. sometimes we just need to lift our heads a little higher and see all the beauty surrounding us. one of my favorite phrases is: "being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections." I try to live by this statement every day. when I see a crack in the sidewalk, I think of the fact that I have a sidewalk to walk on in the first place.

nothing is ever going to be perfect. and sometimes, life can seem pretty dreadful. this blog post isn't coming from someone that's always had a joyful life. on the outside, I seem like the lucky lottery-winner, the multi-talented one with no problems, ever. the one who's always smiling, joking, laughing, the one who gets good grades effortlessly. all in all - I seem like I have the perfect life. and right now, I feel like I do too. but it hasn't always been that way - and there are things that are happening now, that I hide from people too. it's too depressing to talk about, so why bother? but those events of the past, they are what they're called - the past, and should remain so. another quote I've discovered: "instead of looking to the past to find all the faults of your life now and looking to the future for everything that will never be, look to the past for all the fantastic times you had and the future for all the good times ahead, however sparse, few, and in-between over the years. and be thankful for the present and how it is." (paraphrased a little)

heck, I look to the past all the time. but nine times out of ten, it's to savor memories that don't deserve to be forgotten. sometimes a hint of nostalgia accompanies those thoughts, but the general feeling is joy - because I'm lucky to have been granted those moments. I daydream into the future, for possibilities and hopeful dreams, but also just for wishes of happiness. and I look at the present far more than the other two, for that's what really matters. if your head's all tangled up in the rainbow you saw behind you, or the cliff you predict will be ahead - will you be able to notice the lovely flowers and scurrying animals? and most importantly, the friend your arms are linked with - the ones that are walking with you? so cherish the present, for that's what it is, a gift. stop wasting your time - rip open that package and discover what the present holds for you.