Also, I want to read through my 750 Words archive... Honestly, I wrote some of the best things then. My creative juices flowed and I had a lot of interesting thoughts then. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have as many of those now. Was Bear right when he said that doing too much work and getting stressed out makes people lose character?

it feels so weird. I feel like we've been together so much longer than three weeks. probably because we were really close a little more than a year ago and we already know each other so well. we just needed time to get comfortable with the idea of actually being together.

I feel myself being so patient for him it's weird. did I really change that much from last year? I'm so glad he and I both matured enough to handle a relationship with each other. I wonder if there will ever be a day that we'll be able to show each other off. right now, neither of us wants it public yet though. hmm, we'll see.

maybe it's 'cause I'm patient, or I'm really low-maintenance, but he keeps on surprising me. he's been starting pretty much every conversation we've had for the past few days. he's more tender with his goodnights (hell he wrote me a poem the other time to say goodnight. he said he only wrote the "good night, my love" part because it fit with the rhythm of the poem. oh psh.) he subtly calls me attractive or amazing, very very subtly, but I love that. I love that everything we need to say is exchanged in our sly smiles. Or in the way he quietly takes my hand or squeezes my arm or I could go on and on.

I've been so excited, gah. but I'm looking to a lonely summer. well this week has been amazing 'cause we've been Skyping all night but on sunday we both leave for camp... we'll have a few days together in July, but then I leave again. I'll miss him so much. but I'll be okay.

but seriously. sometimes I think you don't give me definite answers because you know I hate not knowing what's coming next. why won't you just tell me if you want to go or not? you tell me to take chances, and I'm trying my hardest to, but if you won't come with me I CAN'T. I won't settle for doing this online. technology ruins romance, wongfu says so. I want to do this in person. I want to hold your hands, look you in the eyes, and tell you I want to be with you. at least give me a chance to say this...

I've spent all weekend deciding that I would tell you. I can't turn back now.

we've been talking about relationships in pretty much every conversation we've had... they've been long conversations too. ones that last for hours. you keep on saying things like "loosen up", "take action", "you're too afraid of messing up", "stop being so cautious", etc. specifically about relationships too. you're encouraging me to go for who I want, but... what happens when the one I want is you? do you know that?

yesterday was one of the better days I've had. we spent two hours walking together alone in the reservation, the only other lives around us being the plants, insects, and small mammals. and we sat on that rock, pressed close together, and talked... about life, our future, love... then that night we went to a friend's house, and there we played around like we usually do, bickering, playfully hitting each other... we sat on the swings alone and you mentioned that it'd be a great photo opportunity for Dani. normally you're terrified of her taking pictures of us. then later we laid in the grass, with your head rested on my stomach, looking at the sky. two candles were lit beside us to get the bugs away. I had my arm wrapped around your head, hugging you gently to me. but that moment was cut short when your father came to pick you up. and you actually tried to get your parents to come later, but they had already left the house... it was a beautiful night.

then that night, we talked from 11 PM to 3:30 AM. of course it started as casual conversation, then it progressed to serious talk... and you again urged me to go for who I want. more forcefully this time. you dared me to actually try and be with someone in the next 6 months. I didn't know what I thought about that. then still later, you said, "I'll make a deal with you: if you try to get someone and throw caution to the wind so to speak, so will I." I asked who you would go for, you listed two names, and "a girl I'll call 'X' for now." who who who is this girl "X"? do you know that I still like you? it's probably obvious. but the fact that you keep pushing me to express my feelings towards this "him" and won't tell me who you want to be with... does that mean girl "X" might be me? or is this just a trick again?

I want to be with you. very badly. we have great chemistry, we've opened up to each other much more, and you make me so happy when I'm around you. but you also hurt me last year. and how do I know you'd actually be able to change for me? would you be able to love me wholeheartedly? you want to know what it's like to be in love, but I know you're also scared of it. should I delude myself into thinking that I can fix that? that I can show you how to love?

but then again, if I let this opportunity pass me by... it'll just be another missed chance that I'll regret later. I've had so many of those already. so should it matter if you like me or not? you've told me you think love is built and that you think you can like a person without liking them before... besides, it's about taking a leap of faith, right? and a leap of faith means taking a jump, even if you're not sure if there's something to soften your fall.