sugar cubes & candy canes

title: today marks three weeks
date: Friday, June 24, 2011
time:5:59 PM

it feels so weird. I feel like we've been together so much longer than three weeks. probably because we were really close a little more than a year ago and we already know each other so well. we just needed time to get comfortable with the idea of actually being together.

my friend was so right about lowering expectations though. I'm so glad I did. it's so much better letting him surprise me over and over again. yeah sure he tries to play it off like he doesn't mean it or that he wasn't doing it on purpose or yada yada but just looking at him smile lets me know that he means it at least a little bit.

I feel myself being so patient for him it's weird. did I really change that much from last year? I'm so glad he and I both matured enough to handle a relationship with each other. I wonder if there will ever be a day that we'll be able to show each other off. right now, neither of us wants it public yet though. hmm, we'll see.

maybe it's 'cause I'm patient, or I'm really low-maintenance, but he keeps on surprising me. he's been starting pretty much every conversation we've had for the past few days. he's more tender with his goodnights (hell he wrote me a poem the other time to say goodnight. he said he only wrote the "good night, my love" part because it fit with the rhythm of the poem. oh psh.) he subtly calls me attractive or amazing, very very subtly, but I love that. I love that everything we need to say is exchanged in our sly smiles. Or in the way he quietly takes my hand or squeezes my arm or I could go on and on.

I've been so excited, gah. but I'm looking to a lonely summer. well this week has been amazing 'cause we've been Skyping all night but on sunday we both leave for camp... we'll have a few days together in July, but then I leave again. I'll miss him so much. but I'll be okay.

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title: it feels so weird
date: Friday, June 3, 2011
time:11:24 PM

as the clock strikes midnight,

something in my heart changes.

it feels an excitement, but my mind subdues it.

it feels a giddiness, but my rationale suppresses it.

it feels a burst of hope, but my logic calms it.

but I am also secretly indulging in happiness.

I let go. I took a leap of faith. I took a chance.

and finally, for once... my imagination has not tricked me.

for once, my hopes came true.

ihaveafrickin'boyfriendwhatisthis

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title: if i'm a guitar
date: Sunday, May 29, 2011
time:7:42 PM

you're tugging at my strings.

but seriously. sometimes I think you don't give me definite answers because you know I hate not knowing what's coming next. why won't you just tell me if you want to go or not? you tell me to take chances, and I'm trying my hardest to, but if you won't come with me I CAN'T. I won't settle for doing this online. technology ruins romance, wongfu says so. I want to do this in person. I want to hold your hands, look you in the eyes, and tell you I want to be with you. at least give me a chance to say this...

I've spent all weekend deciding that I would tell you. I can't turn back now.

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title: throw caution to the wind.
date: Saturday, May 28, 2011
time:7:09 AM

ugh, so much for no attachment. you and your words... they always have to get me. but, this is what you told me last year and I kind of listened and that brought me to disaster... but what if I played it differently this time? is this our second chance?

we've been talking about relationships in pretty much every conversation we've had... they've been long conversations too. ones that last for hours. you keep on saying things like "loosen up", "take action", "you're too afraid of messing up", "stop being so cautious", etc. specifically about relationships too. you're encouraging me to go for who I want, but... what happens when the one I want is you? do you know that?

yesterday was one of the better days I've had. we spent two hours walking together alone in the reservation, the only other lives around us being the plants, insects, and small mammals. and we sat on that rock, pressed close together, and talked... about life, our future, love... then that night we went to a friend's house, and there we played around like we usually do, bickering, playfully hitting each other... we sat on the swings alone and you mentioned that it'd be a great photo opportunity for Dani. normally you're terrified of her taking pictures of us. then later we laid in the grass, with your head rested on my stomach, looking at the sky. two candles were lit beside us to get the bugs away. I had my arm wrapped around your head, hugging you gently to me. but that moment was cut short when your father came to pick you up. and you actually tried to get your parents to come later, but they had already left the house... it was a beautiful night.

then that night, we talked from 11 PM to 3:30 AM. of course it started as casual conversation, then it progressed to serious talk... and you again urged me to go for who I want. more forcefully this time. you dared me to actually try and be with someone in the next 6 months. I didn't know what I thought about that. then still later, you said, "I'll make a deal with you: if you try to get someone and throw caution to the wind so to speak, so will I." I asked who you would go for, you listed two names, and "a girl I'll call 'X' for now." who who who is this girl "X"? do you know that I still like you? it's probably obvious. but the fact that you keep pushing me to express my feelings towards this "him" and won't tell me who you want to be with... does that mean girl "X" might be me? or is this just a trick again?

I want to be with you. very badly. we have great chemistry, we've opened up to each other much more, and you make me so happy when I'm around you. but you also hurt me last year. and how do I know you'd actually be able to change for me? would you be able to love me wholeheartedly? you want to know what it's like to be in love, but I know you're also scared of it. should I delude myself into thinking that I can fix that? that I can show you how to love?

but then again, if I let this opportunity pass me by... it'll just be another missed chance that I'll regret later. I've had so many of those already. so should it matter if you like me or not? you've told me you think love is built and that you think you can like a person without liking them before... besides, it's about taking a leap of faith, right? and a leap of faith means taking a jump, even if you're not sure if there's something to soften your fall.

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title: flip-flops are my favorite.
date: Monday, May 23, 2011
time:7:16 PM

I think it's worth it to come back to this.

erm... choices, choices, choices.

choice one. the perfect one. the caring, kind, compassionate one. the one who understands. the one who has been there for me. the one who's taken. the one whose relationship is on display right in front of my eyes, every single day. the one who can't be a secret anymore. the one who isn't by my side every day anymore. the one whose friendship with me will never be at the same dynamic. the one who I need a distraction from.

choice two. the one who hurt me. the one who manipulated, deceived, confused me. the one who held me close then pushed me away. the one who is usually cold, reserved. the one I eventually forced myself to forget about, using choice one as a distraction. (ironic, eh?)the one who I've forgiven. the one who I know has a kind heart, it's just hidden. the one who apologized sincerely, the one who confessed the real reason. the one who makes me laugh, makes me giddy inside, makes me feel amazing. the one who I can hold without shame, without broken promises, without strings.

at this point, I lean towards two. because if I can keep my emotions in control... then wouldn't a distraction be lovely? unfortunately he's not in my every day life so he can't fix everything... and I definitely cannot get emotionally attached to him again because that spells disaster. the more I think about it, the more I feel like a whore. but I'm not. I draw lines, and I'm not doing anything completely inappropriate. and I hate the condescending look people give me, "you know he doesn't like you right?" ugh of course I know that, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS! someone who won't like me, and someone who I can control my feelings for. 'cause honestly he's good for nothing but physical comfort and playful banter. he can't satisfy emotional needs so I think I can control it properly this time. I just... need no attachment for a while. no more silly thinking, no more hurt... just fun? can't I have that?

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title: in like a lamb, out like a lion.
date: Saturday, April 9, 2011
time:1:56 PM

the pain. ugh, my head keeps running back, back, back to october, november. back when I hadn't messed up. back when everything was under control. back when I didn't let my silly head run past the point of no return. back when I was still a good person, before I turned sickly.

rewind to october 9th. wasn't it beautiful? the honesty. the words. we weren't afraid to open up. we weren't afraid to speak the truth. we didn't have anything to edit anyway. none of it hurt. and then, the silent promise we exchanged. all captured in these words:

1: So what exactly should we do? Or should we just... not do anything?

2: Unlike human teenagers, let's not make more problems out of this

1: So do you mean, just... continue on with things as they were?

2: Basically

1: Thank you. Thank you for... being understanding and such. And if I ever do anything that seems uncomfortable, tell me?

2: I'm glad you're feeling better =) but there will always be a better way to tell you I'm feeling uncomfortable than doing anything near flat out saying it

that was beauty. then I enjoyed a few months of bliss. until the cold winds of winter blew in and we both started changing. I became more jealous, more angry. he became colder, less open, less receptive.

we went up and down, up and down for months. some days felt just the same, others were disastrous. until march came by and things started getting better and better. I never felt the same warmth of the summer and fall, but at least for now things weren't bad.

and then... and then april. I became impatient. I felt the winter monster roar from within my chest again. and one day, I lost control and let it burst. the more I talked, the more I pulled hidden feelings from months ago. not what I felt at the moment, really. but too late, the damage was done.

and now, I'm back to uncertainty. obsessed with looking back at when things were okay. when promises were still made. when I had no fear. when I knew that this friendship would last.

oh, but there's little hope now. I hide my tears, calm the monster, shift any frowns, and try my best to maintain composure. just waiting, hoping that patience will prevail. hoping that one day the promise from october would hold true. that I'd wake up one day, feeling like it was all a dream.

that's all I have left. hope.

but like another friend once said to me, hope can't be built upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

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title: the times they are a-changin'
date: Wednesday, August 25, 2010
time:10:01 AM

THINK. DREAM. LOVE.

If you've ever noticed the words underneath my picture at the far left, I say that I am a thinker, dreamer, and a lover. I've really come to terms with that. The last half year has shaped me even more than I thought I could be shaped. I thought I had grown up a lot already, but the recent events have forced me to grow even more.

Most of the summer, I have been away. First for CTY camp for three weeks. I stayed home for two days, and I was off for China. I stayed one week with my grandparents in Beijing, joined a camp for two weeks, then stayed another two weeks in Beijing. And I've only been able to get back until today, and now there's only two weeks left of summer. Throughout this fast-paced summer, I've met two new groups of friends from CTY and the Chinese camp. Away from home and the ones I love, I was able to let loose and forget the hurtful memories for a while.

As I sit here this Wednesday afternoon, I feel like there's a lot of hurt around me. Each one of my closest friends have been through the fiercest of pains, myself included. Yet I still feel so little next to them. I don't understand why I weep for my hurt because it's so little compared to what I see around me. My own metaphorical family, drowned in pain that I could never empathize with. So much of the hurt around me, I can only sympathize with. Then everyone says I'm compassionate, but there's been so many times where I wish I could really feel what they feel. Now, back to the first three words of this post.

WHY AM I A THINKER?

I analyze everything. My actions, others' actions. I'm constantly trying to figure out what my mind is saying, and what others' minds are saying. And mostly I'm a thinker because I don't understand myself. I know what I do, and I know what I might do in certain situations, but a lot of the time - I don't understand why. I've unraveled a lot of the mysteries of myself during the past few months. But there's so much more of myself that I don't understand. That I wish I could control. I'm said to be a good model for everyone because I'm confident, secure, smart, and kind. And I tend to execute that role well. But there's parts of me that I hide that lacks confidence, is insecure, irrational & dumb, and selfish. They come out in my occasional breakdowns, yet I never let go of the better part of myself. There is a constant struggle with what I know I am, and what I also know I am. That might have been confusing, but I hope it can be understood. Most would say: what I think I am and what I know I am. But I know that I am confident, beautiful, smart, secure, kind. But I ALSO know that I'm insecure, irrational, dumb, ugly, selfish. And this is where I start thinking a lot. Every day I try to learn more about myself and why I do this.
I want to learn. Not just about academics - I don't have to hurt my brain much to put effort in that. But I don't want to just get through school and learn nothing about life. I don't care if hurt will distract me from my studies, it's something I must learn too. And plus, it hasn't distracted me. When I am focused on school, that is what I will focus on. The quality of my work has never decreased. But even more so than information, I want to learn about life. Emotions. My emotions. Others' emotions.
I can't stop myself from thinking. My brain is working nonstop. I always wonder how my brain can take it and hasn't shut down from fatigue by now. Every day it's constantly processing things that would make another person want to sleep for a day straight. I'm not saying I'm a genius or whatever and I'm processing high-intelligence information. Definitely not. I just think about tons of things at the same time, and am somehow able to process it all at once. But as a result, there's always something on my mind and I can zone out very easily.

WHY AM I A DREAMER?

I dream all day. About things that have happened, things that might happen, and things that will never come into reality. I don't care if half of it is irrational, I dream about it anyway. I have no real HOPES in the ones that are just dumb, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming. In reality, I'm not dumb, and I know where fantasy cuts off and reality begins.
Most of the time I feel like I'm living in a dream world. Like I said, I know where reality begins. But reality feels so unreal to me. It's different from the fantasy of dreams. Reality makes me feel detached, in a different way that dreams do. I can't explain this further because I don't know how to.
My mind is forever floating in memories because they keep me grounded. They remind me that I'm still here, and that all that has happened has indeed occurred. If I didn't dream all day, I wouldn't feel in touch with reality at all.

WHY AM I A LOVER?

Because if I can't be 100% confident in myself, I reserve a lot of my confidence to put in others. Amongst my four best friends in the world I have different confidences for each of them. But the own unifying thread is that I believe they will be happy. That I can make them happy, and that somehow, by being in their lives, I have made their lives brighter. I want to teach them about love in their own ways. For one person, I wasn't there when his heart needed me most because I couldn't give what he wanted - but I still want to give him the love that I can give and make him better for it. For another, she is so fragile and I hope I can be some sort of adhesive that will stick her together. For one more, I want him to learn that even if the rest of the world can't understand him or listen to him, I always be here for him. My heart is always open. And for the last, I want him to learn how to love and accept it. Because deep down, I know he can care. If there's anyone in this world that believes in him, I probably believe in him in the most. There are no words that can explain how much I sincerely wish he can be a loving person. Even if he says he doesn't need it, I want him to have it. I admire his strength and self-control and I wish I could detach myself from emotions like he can, but I also honestly hope that he can learn how to love like I do.
How do I love? I love by taking in all the hurt around me because I don't have enough hurt of my own. And even when my heart aches for my own reasons, I still can't stop absorbing all the hurt of everyone else. Because I want to. Because I want to feel the pain that I can't feel for myself. Maybe it's not the best way to love, but I want to love this way. In the platonic sense, I can love with all of my heart without question. "I love you" becomes so easy to say. But in the romantic sense, I am restrained. I can't control who I am attracted to, but I can control who I fall for. And even more so who I love. If I don't want to love someone, even if I like him so so much, I never will. There's a silent voice in me that always tells me to "wait, wait" because it's not the right time and won't be the right time for a long while. It may take half a lifetime for me to love again like I once did, but in the end it will be worth it. I may be overly cautious, but I don't shut myself from love. I am merely careful with it. It's not exactly because I'm afraid of hurt because I hurt myself constantly anyway. (It doesn't take real love for my heart to screw over).
Because I am a dreamer, I dream about love. I dream about a day that I will be able to love a man with my whole heart and say "I do" to him in a white dress. But because I am a thinker, I keep my heart safely guarded. I'm two-part emotion and one-part thought, so my analytical side feels obligated to fulfill its role more than it was built for. A lot of the time, I say I'm not built for love, but I realize that in my heart, love is what I was naturally made for. It is my need to fulfill a role of self-protection that keeps me from succumbing to my heart. If I didn't have that one-part thought, I'd be overwhelmed with all the hurt I take in and the love I give out. There's a wall that I've built up through the years to keep this delicate balance alive.

I think I've said enough today. I haven't been able to really self-analyze for a long time, so this felt really good.

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